So, today's the day. My body's not letting me forget it, either — I don't think I've ever felt quite so nauseated.
I'm just about to head over to my mother's apartment for the night. I'm resolved to finally tell her that I'm gay.
It's perhaps unhelpful that I have a sense of urgency about it — a sort of now-or-never feeling. I haven't been able to see her that often while she's been here and she's not here for terribly much longer. I need to allow her time to react.
So, wish me luck...
Sunday, 22 July 2007
Saturday, 21 July 2007
Something wonderful
Darren Hayes is back. And, from the look of the first single of his forthcoming double album, he's better than ever:
(Did you notice? Yes, that's Janice Dickinson making a random cameo. According to Wikipedia, Hayes briefly met her the day before filming, and jokingly suggested she "could play the part of the evil, sexy shopaholic in the video". She was more than happy to, apparently.)
Hayes — who came out last year after registering a civil partnership with his boyfriend in London — has been experimenting with electronica since he went solo. After checking out the other two tease tracks, he seems to be going for a more epic or cinematic sound than in his previous two albums. And I like it — they're very listenable, and should play well on radio and in clubs. In fact, I find myself looking forward to the album's release (in August).
Good luck Darren.
(Did you notice? Yes, that's Janice Dickinson making a random cameo. According to Wikipedia, Hayes briefly met her the day before filming, and jokingly suggested she "could play the part of the evil, sexy shopaholic in the video". She was more than happy to, apparently.)
Hayes — who came out last year after registering a civil partnership with his boyfriend in London — has been experimenting with electronica since he went solo. After checking out the other two tease tracks, he seems to be going for a more epic or cinematic sound than in his previous two albums. And I like it — they're very listenable, and should play well on radio and in clubs. In fact, I find myself looking forward to the album's release (in August).
Good luck Darren.
Friday, 20 July 2007
Flaunt
Just when you thought Aussiebum couldn't get any hotter:
They seriously know how to sell underwear. This guy is hot, and he knows it. Hence the name of their latest range, I suppose.
No better pick me up than buns of steel.
(Thanks to Aussielicious for the find)
They seriously know how to sell underwear. This guy is hot, and he knows it. Hence the name of their latest range, I suppose.
No better pick me up than buns of steel.
(Thanks to Aussielicious for the find)
Thursday, 19 July 2007
Wednesday, 18 July 2007
Dear Mum
I've been inspired by Phil's letter to his parents at Micifus to write my own version in case things don't go well. I hope it ends up being unnecessary.
I might also have copy of the short story given to Shades of Gray by his Mum at hand. I think it could help her rationalise her thoughts.
Dear Mum,
I love you. I know that I’ve kept you separate from my life for a long time and have never really shown you just how much you mean to me because of this.
I want to show you now.
I’m gay.
I’m telling you this because I love you, and I want to be able to be honest with you and seek your guidance. It has pained me to not be able to share and be open about my life with you in the past. I’m tired of hiding who I am.
I struggled for so long to come to terms with being gay. I lost a large part of my life hiding and denying it, and became sad and withdrawn because of it. I even stopped feeling entitled to life.
I had to stop lying in order to start living. I’ve stopped lying to myself and to my friends, and now I must to stop with you — my family. I want to show you the real me.
I want you to know that I am sure about this. It’s something I’ve always known, I guess, but didn’t admit to myself until this last year. It was a very freeing thing to finally accept that part of me. I will be freer still once I respect it, and I can only do that by living openly from now on.
Mum, I am same son as before. I hope that in telling you that I'm gay, I will help you to better understand me and the way I have been. I am sorry that I have excluded you from my life. I am ready to welcome you back. I want to be a better son from now on.
I understand that you may be feeling many emotions right now, and I want you to be honest with me about them. I want you to feel free to ask me whatever questions you may have. I won’t be offended, and I’ll try to answer as best I can. After all, that really is the point of my telling you.
I love you so much, no matter what happens.
Scott
I might also have copy of the short story given to Shades of Gray by his Mum at hand. I think it could help her rationalise her thoughts.
Tuesday, 17 July 2007
The dreaming
I've not slept much lately. In the few times I've slept properly, however, I've had some pretty...err...well, intense dreams. Dreams involving men. Hot men. Hot men who know what they're doing.This is quite odd, for not only do I not often have vivid dreams, I seldom have...um...such happy dreams. And certainly not at a time when I'm barely sleeping because of everything else on my mind.
It must be a sign, then. A sign that I'm ready to move on. And get laid...
Tuesday, 10 July 2007
Wednesday, 4 July 2007
The time is nigh
My mother and sister have arrived, and the time of coming out to them draws nearer.
The thing is, the more I think about it (and believe me, I am thinking about it), the more it seems like there's no good reason not to tell them.
Of course, that doesn't mean I don't have reasons not to. For one, like most in my position, I worry about my financial security. Although we live more than 16,000 kilometres apart, I am dependant on their financial support for my studies here. If they should react badly, and retract their support, I'm, as they say, buggered. More importantly, I worry about my mothers' capacity to take the news. She's got her own emotional problems, and it is possible that she could break down. Also, there's a sense of finality which is quite daunting. Once I am out, there's no going back. I no longer have the option to deny or pretend that I'm otherwise. I will not be able to avoid the labels. It's as though I'll have to face life naked; as if I'll finally have to take responsibility for my life.
Some of my concerns are valid. Some are perhaps irrational. The fact is, my parents, though in denial, know or have suspected for a long time. If they were truly going to react badly, they would have done so already. In any event, I simply cannot hide it any longer — I need to be free of this 'secret'.
I must say, I've found reading the experiences of Matt at DTB and Phil at Micifus tremendously helpful in sorting this out in my head.
The thing is, the more I think about it (and believe me, I am thinking about it), the more it seems like there's no good reason not to tell them.
Of course, that doesn't mean I don't have reasons not to. For one, like most in my position, I worry about my financial security. Although we live more than 16,000 kilometres apart, I am dependant on their financial support for my studies here. If they should react badly, and retract their support, I'm, as they say, buggered. More importantly, I worry about my mothers' capacity to take the news. She's got her own emotional problems, and it is possible that she could break down. Also, there's a sense of finality which is quite daunting. Once I am out, there's no going back. I no longer have the option to deny or pretend that I'm otherwise. I will not be able to avoid the labels. It's as though I'll have to face life naked; as if I'll finally have to take responsibility for my life.
Some of my concerns are valid. Some are perhaps irrational. The fact is, my parents, though in denial, know or have suspected for a long time. If they were truly going to react badly, they would have done so already. In any event, I simply cannot hide it any longer — I need to be free of this 'secret'.
I must say, I've found reading the experiences of Matt at DTB and Phil at Micifus tremendously helpful in sorting this out in my head.
Saturday, 23 June 2007
Family pains
My elder sister's birthday was the other day.
My relationship with her is varied. Although we are only a few years apart and share several common interests, we've never been terribly close. In most part I suppose it's because we've markedly different personalities: while she breaks the rules, I play within them. Her approach has led to an at-times fractious relationship with our parents and to her pursuing independence early on.
I've always wanted to be closer to her, and this desire has been reinforced by my discovering that we are more similar than I thought, at least emotionally — we've both struggled with depression, for instance. And yet, I approach any closer relationship with some trepidation. I don't trust her.
She was the first person I came out to. I had actually resolved to tell her for quite some time, for I considered that she'd, out of my family, take it the best. As it happened, she ended up pre-empting my coming out to her by asking if I was gay, to which I replied "Yes, and I have a boyfriend". She promised to me that she would keep it to herself.
I should have known what would happen when, almost immediately, she let very close family friends know. I wasn't particularly fussed that they knew, I was just concerned that they might communicate the fact to my parents before I could. But it turned out that this was not the only time she would let loose. She soon left for overseas to stay with our parents over the holidays, and I followed a couple weeks after. In the time before my arrival, she told (or at least insinuated to) my mother that I was gay.
It was my intention while I was over to come out to my family. However, the right time never made itself apparent, and I seemed to be picking up an awkward vibe. Additionally, the ending of my relationship displaced any urgency in the matter. So I went about my holiday completely ignorant of my mother and sister's conversation until the day of my departure, when I had an exceedingly uncomfortable conversation with my father — on the way to the airport, no less. He asked me, cryptically, whether I had spoken with my mother. When I asked "what about?", he proceeded to inform me of my sister's revelation and my mothers' upset, before going off on a tangent which I think was meant to explain, somewhat inarticulately, that he is not intolerant of homosexuality. I, of course, sat stunned and didn't really respond. I think my thought process at the time was that I needn't respond because it was not his business.
I boarded my plane without anything else being said on the matter. And it hasn't been discussed since, partly because I'd rather not raise it over the phone. Now in just a few days, my mother and younger sister will be in Adelaide and I will no longer have that excuse.
It took me about a week to confront my elder sister about what she'd done. I wanted to be angry with her, but I never have been. I don't think this is because I accepted what she'd done, but because I was emotionally flat at the time. Moreover, anger is not an emotion I often feel, and it seemed rather pointless — being family, I know I'd have forgiven her at some point.
So, I put the incident behind us, and we have been getting closer. But I still don't trust her enough to be completely open with her, and dealing with the complication arising from her betrayal (as it were) over the coming weeks is not going to help that.
My relationship with her is varied. Although we are only a few years apart and share several common interests, we've never been terribly close. In most part I suppose it's because we've markedly different personalities: while she breaks the rules, I play within them. Her approach has led to an at-times fractious relationship with our parents and to her pursuing independence early on.
I've always wanted to be closer to her, and this desire has been reinforced by my discovering that we are more similar than I thought, at least emotionally — we've both struggled with depression, for instance. And yet, I approach any closer relationship with some trepidation. I don't trust her.
She was the first person I came out to. I had actually resolved to tell her for quite some time, for I considered that she'd, out of my family, take it the best. As it happened, she ended up pre-empting my coming out to her by asking if I was gay, to which I replied "Yes, and I have a boyfriend". She promised to me that she would keep it to herself.
I should have known what would happen when, almost immediately, she let very close family friends know. I wasn't particularly fussed that they knew, I was just concerned that they might communicate the fact to my parents before I could. But it turned out that this was not the only time she would let loose. She soon left for overseas to stay with our parents over the holidays, and I followed a couple weeks after. In the time before my arrival, she told (or at least insinuated to) my mother that I was gay.
It was my intention while I was over to come out to my family. However, the right time never made itself apparent, and I seemed to be picking up an awkward vibe. Additionally, the ending of my relationship displaced any urgency in the matter. So I went about my holiday completely ignorant of my mother and sister's conversation until the day of my departure, when I had an exceedingly uncomfortable conversation with my father — on the way to the airport, no less. He asked me, cryptically, whether I had spoken with my mother. When I asked "what about?", he proceeded to inform me of my sister's revelation and my mothers' upset, before going off on a tangent which I think was meant to explain, somewhat inarticulately, that he is not intolerant of homosexuality. I, of course, sat stunned and didn't really respond. I think my thought process at the time was that I needn't respond because it was not his business.
I boarded my plane without anything else being said on the matter. And it hasn't been discussed since, partly because I'd rather not raise it over the phone. Now in just a few days, my mother and younger sister will be in Adelaide and I will no longer have that excuse.
It took me about a week to confront my elder sister about what she'd done. I wanted to be angry with her, but I never have been. I don't think this is because I accepted what she'd done, but because I was emotionally flat at the time. Moreover, anger is not an emotion I often feel, and it seemed rather pointless — being family, I know I'd have forgiven her at some point.
So, I put the incident behind us, and we have been getting closer. But I still don't trust her enough to be completely open with her, and dealing with the complication arising from her betrayal (as it were) over the coming weeks is not going to help that.
Thursday, 14 June 2007
Roundabout
This music video caught my eye last weekend:
I love the simple yet elaborate production trend started by OK Go's success. This — "Pogo" by Hamburg band Digitalism — would have to be one of the coolest examples this year.
Oh, and the singer's cute.
I love the simple yet elaborate production trend started by OK Go's success. This — "Pogo" by Hamburg band Digitalism — would have to be one of the coolest examples this year.
Oh, and the singer's cute.
After the deluge...
Almost.
My head is now above the floodwaters, but they're receding slowly.
The past few weeks have been hectic emotionally, mentally and physically. Between study, work and reconciling personal relationships, I've not had much time left over and I've neglected to post here. Which I regret, because I surely had a lot to talk about.
My last post prompted the question of what I was doing to overcome the void I'd been feeling. Well, I fear that instead of moving forward, I've fallen several steps back.
In my opening post, I mentioned that I'd recently come out of my first relationship. That was a few months ago now. The reasons for the break-up are probably best explained some other time. Suffice it to say, however, that when I rejoined my family overseas in the university break, my boyfriend's commitment waned...
Since that time, my relationship with him has gone through several phases. Upon my return, I was determined to move on, but keep him in my life as my closest friend; being on my own in Adelaide, he had essentially become my family. However, it was his hope that we would get back together, despite what had happened. I told him that that was not what I wanted.
Initially, although he was upset, we continued to socialise — awkwardly, but socialising nonetheless. Eventually, his upset turned into anger or frustration, and he acted out against me before cutting me off. This was especially upsetting for me.
After a time, we made amends and recommenced our friendship. Yet, he still wanted more. I think it's fair to say that, with additional personal pressures (which I'll go into at some point) and the aforementioned void, I was depressed. And so, little by little, I stopped resisting his advances. All the while, I told him and myself that we should stop and that it didn't mean we would get back together. But, despite my insistence, I started having doubts.
On the one hand, I felt that getting back together would ultimately end in more hurt; I honestly didn't think that we were right for each other. On the other, it was so comforting being with him that I thought maybe it might work out. Fundamentally, I felt that, being as irresolute as I was, it would be unfair to commit to him.
Then last week happened. Up until then, I had only given in to kissing. On Wednesday, however, he was so persistent that I gave up. After more than six months being celibate, I had sex with him. It didn't go well. I had a panic attack.
Following that, we talked. I don't think it really helped me think any clearer, and I'm not really sure all that needed to be said was said. However, he understood that the situation was putting me in a spin, and that he had to stop holding onto me.
Apparently, he really has. On Friday, it seems, he fell for a new guy. After a few subsequent meetings, he plans on making him his boyfriend tomorrow. I would think that's awfully quick, but I remember that he and I clicked in less time. I'm genuinely happy that he's being open with me about it and I've been supportive.
But here I sit, in two minds, oscillating between thoughts. In one instant, I feel excited about developing our friendship in a new direction. In the next, I'm wondering if I should have taken him back.
So, I guess it's me who now has to let go.
My head is now above the floodwaters, but they're receding slowly.
The past few weeks have been hectic emotionally, mentally and physically. Between study, work and reconciling personal relationships, I've not had much time left over and I've neglected to post here. Which I regret, because I surely had a lot to talk about.
My last post prompted the question of what I was doing to overcome the void I'd been feeling. Well, I fear that instead of moving forward, I've fallen several steps back.
In my opening post, I mentioned that I'd recently come out of my first relationship. That was a few months ago now. The reasons for the break-up are probably best explained some other time. Suffice it to say, however, that when I rejoined my family overseas in the university break, my boyfriend's commitment waned...
Since that time, my relationship with him has gone through several phases. Upon my return, I was determined to move on, but keep him in my life as my closest friend; being on my own in Adelaide, he had essentially become my family. However, it was his hope that we would get back together, despite what had happened. I told him that that was not what I wanted.
Initially, although he was upset, we continued to socialise — awkwardly, but socialising nonetheless. Eventually, his upset turned into anger or frustration, and he acted out against me before cutting me off. This was especially upsetting for me.
After a time, we made amends and recommenced our friendship. Yet, he still wanted more. I think it's fair to say that, with additional personal pressures (which I'll go into at some point) and the aforementioned void, I was depressed. And so, little by little, I stopped resisting his advances. All the while, I told him and myself that we should stop and that it didn't mean we would get back together. But, despite my insistence, I started having doubts.
On the one hand, I felt that getting back together would ultimately end in more hurt; I honestly didn't think that we were right for each other. On the other, it was so comforting being with him that I thought maybe it might work out. Fundamentally, I felt that, being as irresolute as I was, it would be unfair to commit to him.
Then last week happened. Up until then, I had only given in to kissing. On Wednesday, however, he was so persistent that I gave up. After more than six months being celibate, I had sex with him. It didn't go well. I had a panic attack.
Following that, we talked. I don't think it really helped me think any clearer, and I'm not really sure all that needed to be said was said. However, he understood that the situation was putting me in a spin, and that he had to stop holding onto me.
Apparently, he really has. On Friday, it seems, he fell for a new guy. After a few subsequent meetings, he plans on making him his boyfriend tomorrow. I would think that's awfully quick, but I remember that he and I clicked in less time. I'm genuinely happy that he's being open with me about it and I've been supportive.
But here I sit, in two minds, oscillating between thoughts. In one instant, I feel excited about developing our friendship in a new direction. In the next, I'm wondering if I should have taken him back.
So, I guess it's me who now has to let go.
Monday, 21 May 2007
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